The Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument identifies five styles people use when facing conflict. No style is inherently good or bad—effectiveness depends on the situation.
The Five Conflict Styles
Competing (Assertive, Uncooperative)
Pursuing your own concerns at the other person's expense. Using power to win your position.
When it works:
- Quick, decisive action is needed
- Unpopular decisions must be implemented
- Vital issues where you know you're right
- Protection against exploitation
Risks: Damages relationships, creates enemies, may miss valuable input
Accommodating (Unassertive, Cooperative)
Neglecting your own concerns to satisfy others. Yielding to another's point of view.
When it works:
- Issue matters more to other person
- Preserving harmony is paramount
- You're wrong and need to concede
- Building goodwill for future issues
Risks: May feel resentful, can be exploited, your needs go unmet
Avoiding (Unassertive, Uncooperative)
Not pursuing your own concerns or others'. Sidestepping or postponing the conflict.
When it works:
- Issue is trivial
- No chance of winning
- Potential damage outweighs benefits
- Need time to cool down
- Others can resolve it better
Risks: Issues fester, decisions made by default, frustration builds
Collaborating (Assertive, Cooperative)
Working together to find a solution that fully satisfies both parties. Digging into issues to identify underlying concerns.
When it works:
- Both sets of concerns are too important to compromise
- Learning is a goal
- Merging perspectives into integrated solution
- Building commitment through consensus
- Relationship is important
Risks: Time-consuming, requires willingness from both parties, may be overkill for small issues
Compromising (Moderate Assertiveness and Cooperativeness)
Finding a mutually acceptable solution that partially satisfies both parties. Meeting in the middle.
When it works:
- Goals are moderately important
- Equal power and strong commitment to different outcomes
- Time pressure prevents collaboration
- Backup when other modes fail
Risks: Neither party fully satisfied, underlying issues not addressed, can become habitual default
Developing Flexibility
Most people overuse one or two styles. Effective conflict resolution requires:
- Awareness: Know your default style and its limitations
- Assessment: Evaluate what each situation requires
- Adaptation: Choose the appropriate style, not just your comfortable one
Style by Relationship
Different relationships may call for different approaches:
- With authorities: Avoiding or accommodating may preserve the relationship
- With peers: Collaborating or compromising builds partnership
- With reports: Sometimes competing is necessary for leadership
- With intimate partners: Collaborating maintains long-term health
Moving Toward Collaboration
When collaboration is the goal:
- Separate positions from interests (what you want vs. why you want it)
- Listen to understand, not to respond
- Generate multiple options before deciding
- Use objective criteria when possible
- Be hard on the problem, soft on the person